Thursday, April 9, 2009

Après Tax

I had a ton of fun as the "Phone Sex" guest at last night's tax-themed In the Flesh: L.A.!

Piping a remote reader into the lap of a live event may sound like a scary proposition, but [literal!] rocket scientist Stan Kent has it all figured out. And his system is a two-way street: the friendly vibes in the room came through loud and clear to me. (I'm referring to the warmth of the people assembled there at Hustler Hollywood, not to the bonhomous sex toys.)

First, I got to do a sound check. I love sound checks not only because of the technical advantage they bring, but also because it's an excuse for me to improvise tomfoolery (not that I really need an excuse). Immediately after the sound check, I actually jotted down, to the best of my recollection, what had come out of my mouth when I was prompted to "just keep talking." It went something like this:

Well, I'm here in my fedora and paisley dressing gown, and I'm extemporizing. I was intemporizing earlier, but the weather changed, so now I'm outside, extemporizing. And, of course, reading erotica, there will be moments when my voice gets soft and breathy, like this ... but then, when the dialogue becomes more dramatic, my voice may go into a slightly higher register, with more volume! But if I'm doing the voice of a female character, I may go slightly higher into the treble range ...
That, apparently, was quite enough, and the sound check was declared complete.

When the call came through indicating that it was time for me to read my work, Stan began by asking what I was now wearing.

JE: Well, I took off the fedora and paisley dressing gown, and changed into the paisley dressing gown and the fedora.

SK: We can only imagine.

JE: That's good, because I'm having a little trouble.

[Or something like that.]

And then I read my story, "It Takes W-2 to Tango." Here's a small excerpt:

“Jessica. Listen to me. Every year, you fuck up my W-2. And every year, I come here so we can go over that. And every year, you ask me to come around to your side of the desk. And every year, you lean your head back against my chest. And I put a hand on your shoulder. And you lean farther back, and I stroke your breasts through your shirt and nibble the base of your neck ...”

Jessica licked her lips.

Galen proceeded. “And eventually you move my hand down to your skirt, and I work my way up your thighs to your pussy. And so on.”

“Mmm ... yeah,” she moaned. “So what’s the problem?”

“It’s a fine routine, Jessica—an excellent piece of business, as they say in vaudeville. But—damn it—I feel like I’m in a rut.”

She glanced at his crotch and smirked. “Not yet, you aren’t. But I know where to find one.”

Thank you Stan, Jolene, Kathleen, and all who sat still (or squirming) to listen to me!


Donna said...

Oh, Jeremy, apres tax has never been so much fun! Thank you for sharing the warm-up, the fashion report and that tasty excerpt. I think this phone sex reading might be the start of a national trend!

Jeremy Edwards said...

Thanks, Donna! I thought of you when I was writing this post—about how I wanted to try my best to make the reader feel (s)he was there, the way you so successfully do when you write up your own live appearances.

Erobintica said...

Jeremy, I'm so glad you wrote down what came out of your mouth - that sound check is ... is ... so colorful!

And liked the excerpt too.

I liked this - SK: We can only imagine. hehehe.

Thanks for the report!

EllaRegina said...

(I wants me a bonhomous sex toy.)


I wish I'd been there. You're the funniest man alive! Harpo Speaks!

I'm glad it went so well!


PS, I already told you that I love how the female voice register is rendered in pink, but I'll compliment you again. ;-)

Jeremy Edwards said...

Thank you, Robin and EllaRegina! I'm so glad you enjoyed my act.

Harpo Speaks!

Honk! Honk!

I already told you that I love how the female voice register is rendered in pink

Heheh. Granted, I'm not of the "blue is for boys, pink is for girls" school ... but it seemed the easiest way to put the typing in drag.

EllaRegina said...

I read it imagining you channeling Jack Lemmon (Daphne) in Some Like it Hot.

Emerald said...

Lol! Great account, Jeremy. I bet you were a delight to listen to. :) Thanks for this delightful account!!

Kirsten Monroe said...

Send us a photo of the paisley dressing gown!

Jeremy, you are hilarious.

Congrats on your pipe-in!


Jeremy Edwards said...

Thanks, Emerald and KM!

Send us a photo of the paisley dressing gown!

How 'bout something like this?