Imagine somebody with sufficient inspiration, initiative, passion, focus, research skills, and dedication to assemble a definitive compendium of literature’s wide world of metaphors for semen.
Yes, imagine my non-imaginary friend Cecil Goran, the Bearded Confidant. His research arc has recently climaxed, and the Dictionary of Semenyms [note: some NSFW pages on book description's host site] has been catapulted into the world.
I think it’s safe to say that a dictionary of jism, fifteen years in the making, gives new resonance to the concept of “stick-to-itiveness.”
So, yes, the news on Confidant’s remarkable semen dictionary is out ... and I’m here to help spread it around. Er ... to help disseminate it. Er ...
all - the greatest amount a man can ejaculate.
“He shot it all, thrusting once, twice.”
—Alison Kent, The Beach Alibi
burning liquor - an intoxicating beverage, like firewater.
expansive juice - a fullscale, wide-ranging ejaculation.
“She was too tired to move and swallowed his expansive juice.”
—Maxim Jakubowski, Kiss Me Sadly
[cited in the "Quantities" chapter]
his own fluid - used to describe semen as a man’s personal creation.
“Holding my ass cheeks in both hands, he shot his own fluid into me.”
—Jean Roberta, “Communion”
[cited in the "Personal Terms" chapter]
“The warmth of it slithered down my throat and I tried my best to swallow.”
“We come with synchronized precision, my pampered prick blowing wet kisses onto her industrious fingers.”
But wait! Don’t answer yet. Dictionary of Semenyms also includes an epic erotic fantasy (m/m/m/m/m ...), a guide to “scarlet letters,” and a mini-encylopedia of safe words (featuring safe-word snippets from authors such as Alison Tyler, Kristina Lloyd, Teresa Noelle Roberts, and Charlie Anders)!
If a volume of this nature would traditionally be termed a literary companion, then "Semenyms" is a literary companion with benefits. I asked Confidant a couple of questions about this seminal reference work, this “Spunk & White,” if you will.
Can you tell us a little bit about the research process for locating semenyms?
I discover them only through deliberate accident. I can't directly search for an unknown word—I must scan erotic literature for orgasmic language and then hope to find a coined term tossed into the mix. It's like digging for X-rated treasure without a map to mark the spot. That's why the dictionary of semenyms has been fifteen years in the making.
Fifteen years is quite a journey! Did the nature of the project evolve in that time?
Yes. For a long time the dictionary didn't feature any definitions but only examples of usage from erotic literature. It hadn't occurred to me to write definitions, since every term obviously means "semen." But when I pitched the book to a publisher about ten years ago, the rejection letter mentioned that they didn't publish books of quotations. My first thought was one of surprise: "I didn't realize my dictionary was a book of quotations!" My second thought was more practical: "So I need to find a definition for each sperm term that transcends the obvious!" Writing the definitions proved to be quite a challenge but also extraordinarily rewarding, as I had an opportunity to add some of my own wit to the whimsical quotations from erotic literature. Plus, as any lexicographer will tell you, once you write the first one-thousand definitions, you get a rhythm going.
And now, here’s where you come ... in. Actually, you can come in two places:
First, Confidant cheerfully notes that "Semenyms" will be updated for future editions! (Semen: The gift that keeps on giving.) So here’s the come-on: If you have an entry of your own that you’d like him to consider, please either post it in the comments here, or e-mail it to him (confidant AT keepstill DOT com). Though previously published citations are preferred, Confidant acknowledges that “some semenyms are simply ahead of their time”—so quotations from your unpublished or not-yet-published writings are eligible as well.
Second, we’re giving away a copy of Dictionary of Semenyms! Here’s the challenge that Confidant has come up with: Match the sperm term to the person who said it. Below, you’ll find two columns, one containing entries from Semenyms and one containing the authors’ names. If you want to play, try to match up semenym to author, and post your guesses in the comments. We’re on the honor system here—no research, please. (But if you happen to recognize one or more of the entries and know the correct answers just because you’re a mad-skillz erotica maven, then that’s legit—it’s okay to win by dint of your previously amassed expertise, just not by dint of ad hoc answer-foraging.) The person with the greatest number of correct matches will win the book (and no penalty for incorrect matches, so guess away). In the event of a tie, the earlier comment wins. I’ll post the answers in a week (Wednesday, August 12), along with the name of the winner. Thanks for—er—sticking around and playing!
1. choir of angels
3. divine pleasure
5. life essence
8. pecker tracks
9. salty smear
11. swimming fluid
12. tummy medicine
14. white ink of life
A. Russell Brand
B. William S. Burroughs
C. Pat Califia
D. Jean Cocteau
E. Nick Currie (Momus)
F. Marquis de Sade
G. Allen Ginsberg
H. James Joyce
I. Stanley Kubrick
J. D. H. Lawrence
K. David Lynch
L. Henry Miller
M. Anne Rice
N. John Waters
Finally, Confidant has authorized me to offer you nice people a discount code, which will grant you 20% off when you buy Dictionary of Semenyms via CreateSpace.* (In order to take advantage of this offer, be sure to purchase directly through CreateSpace, and enter the following code after the "add to cart" step: QYVG2THE)
*Don’t be fooled by the 1994 publication date—Amazon and its subsidiaries evidently log all semen-related books according to date of conception. And Confidant notes, in the eroto-erratum department, that any typos are due to “one-handed typing, sticky fingers, or perhaps running dry on white-out.”